Battle of Betazed
Moderator: Clement
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Re: [Practice Project] Battle of Betazed
I don't understand what you meant from this line 'In mid-2374, the Dominion invaded Betazed in the early hours of the First City.' Was the location of attack the first city or is that a naming convention?
Subheading invasion of Betazed 1:3 'People fled the cities and into the countryside to escape.' You repeat a very similar sentence in 2:1 where Liarra tries to get her people into the countryside. They're identical actions. If Liarra and her helpers are to stand out, there needs to be more about how their actions were different.
Silly related question: in any of the wiki stuff has psychic backlash or death in response to telepaths been addressed? This would be a really good place to tag off a related article.
Subheading: Psychic Warfare. What does this mean? 'identify of pacifism'.
And lastly -- so what happened to the world after the dominion left? A soldier when pressed to kill is changed, yes? The weapon used by the Betazed was so much more personal. How has this changed the people as a whole? Is there a lasting mark on the people? Culture? Defenses for the future? This is rife with story seeds! Dig, dig, dig!
Subheading invasion of Betazed 1:3 'People fled the cities and into the countryside to escape.' You repeat a very similar sentence in 2:1 where Liarra tries to get her people into the countryside. They're identical actions. If Liarra and her helpers are to stand out, there needs to be more about how their actions were different.
Silly related question: in any of the wiki stuff has psychic backlash or death in response to telepaths been addressed? This would be a really good place to tag off a related article.
Subheading: Psychic Warfare. What does this mean? 'identify of pacifism'.
And lastly -- so what happened to the world after the dominion left? A soldier when pressed to kill is changed, yes? The weapon used by the Betazed was so much more personal. How has this changed the people as a whole? Is there a lasting mark on the people? Culture? Defenses for the future? This is rife with story seeds! Dig, dig, dig!
- FruitLoop
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Re: [Practice Project] Battle of Betazed
Okay, it is changed. Is it okay now?
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Re: [Practice Project] Battle of Betazed
Okay, it looks good to me, except that I would have liked a reference to the death of Mr. Homn. Again: Small thing, maybe important. I don't know.
- FruitLoop
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Re: [Practice Project] Battle of Betazed
The death of Mr Homn is trivial to the fleet and since I did not read the book and don't want to out and out copy it...
Re: [Practice Project] Battle of Betazed
I posted this in the vote email, but I wanted to mention it here too. The Battle of Betazed was a canon loss for the Federation. It was part of the tipping point that made Sisko bring the Romulans into the war.
Fleet Admiral Emily Quinn
Commanding Officer
11th 'Pegasus' Fleet
Fleet Captain Liarra Von
Commanding Officer
Starbase 332
Commanding Officer
11th 'Pegasus' Fleet
Fleet Captain Liarra Von
Commanding Officer
Starbase 332
Re: [Practice Project] Battle of Betazed
Agreed with the above. The actual Battle of Betazed would have been the battle Starfleet was involved in, and it was a complete loss for Starfleet, and pretty much broke the 10th Fleet. http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Battle_of_Betazed
I'd say that the bits about fighting back and liberating the planet would better be in a separate article - Occupation of Betazed, Betazoid Resistance Movement, Liberation of Betazed... something like that. I'd also say it's more likely that Lwaxana was involved in the resistance rather than Deanna - Deanna afterall would have still been on the Enterprise.
I'd say that the bits about fighting back and liberating the planet would better be in a separate article - Occupation of Betazed, Betazoid Resistance Movement, Liberation of Betazed... something like that. I'd also say it's more likely that Lwaxana was involved in the resistance rather than Deanna - Deanna afterall would have still been on the Enterprise.
- FruitLoop
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Re: [Practice Project] Battle of Betazed
Agreed.
/me goes back to editing.
/me goes back to editing.
- FruitLoop
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Re: [Practice Project] Battle of Betazed
Okay. It is changed. How's it look? I'm going to do Liberation of Betazed soon.
Re: [Practice Project] Battle of Betazed
There are still a couple of issues. First, the Breen did not enter the war prior to the Battle of Betazed. The Breen weapon that you mentioned was not seen until the Second Battle of Chin'toka. The first battle didn't even take place until after the Romulans joined the war. I'm still working on my article (though I may not have it finished before March since I've been kinda focused on packing for my move which will be coming in a couple weeks), but take a look at Memory Alpha's Dominion War article to help with the timeline.
Second, I wouldn't mind seeing more information on the psychic warfare and the modified Jem'Hadar. You don't really go into any more detail other than that they used psychic warfare against the Jem'Hadar. What does that mean? Maybe the Dominion forces overwhelmed the planet before they could really put up a defense. The psychic warfare could be a part of the resistance movement.
Second, I wouldn't mind seeing more information on the psychic warfare and the modified Jem'Hadar. You don't really go into any more detail other than that they used psychic warfare against the Jem'Hadar. What does that mean? Maybe the Dominion forces overwhelmed the planet before they could really put up a defense. The psychic warfare could be a part of the resistance movement.
Fleet Admiral Emily Quinn
Commanding Officer
11th 'Pegasus' Fleet
Fleet Captain Liarra Von
Commanding Officer
Starbase 332
Commanding Officer
11th 'Pegasus' Fleet
Fleet Captain Liarra Von
Commanding Officer
Starbase 332