TF44 Story Arc Pages

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Confusedfire
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TF44 Story Arc Pages

Post by Confusedfire » Tue Jan 29, 2013 12:15 am

http://wiki.pegasusfleet.net/index.php? ... overeignty

http://wiki.pegasusfleet.net/index.php? ... ox/Dalcium

Two pages that I have completed for the TF44 Story Arc. The top is the Geminite government page and the second is the poison that is used on the Romulan planets. Please review and tear them apart!

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Re: TF44 Story Arc Pages

Post by FruitLoop » Tue Jan 29, 2013 1:25 am

They look good except for a lot of grammar and spelling errors. I think I saw a couple missing words in there too. You did better than me. I do stuff at 3 am and it ends up being scewed lol

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Williams
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Re: TF44 Story Arc Pages

Post by Williams » Sun Feb 10, 2013 2:27 pm

First Paragraph of the GS article seems to stumble over itself a little bit, perhaps try cleaning it up a little, like the below?
Gemini Sovereignty was a government founded sometime around 22,000 B.C.E. in the Earth timeline, united by their first Lairae Mihmaetes. Their primary strengths lie in medicine and the sciences, while their military prowess is significantly weaker, the Gemini being a primarily peaceful civilization. Within the Sovereignty, art, music, and history are valued very highly, and in some cases are given even greater status than the sciences that the Gemini are so renowned for.
The article starts by stating that the Geminites aren't very strong militarily, but then the history section goes into great detail about all of the national war that went on before they unified under a central government - surely such a lengthy period of fighting would mean that they would develop more militarily than scientifically, and it doesn't give any indications anywhere of any gradual change from one to another after they made peace with themselves. This also contradicts with the description of the military later on down. Also, as a minor note; you said that their First Contact was with the Romulans and it was recent, but yet they have various things in place for not starting wars with other powers, and for intelligence operations against enemies... surely if they're a unified government with no prior knowledge of alien life, then these things wouldn't be as prominent?

There's also a section in there called 'Geminite and Romulan War', but it's just a heading, with nothing in it.

The bit about the High Court is very confusing. It switches between saying that the Lairae selects the High Court, to it being selected by its own members, and some of its selection rules contradict and cross over itself.

In the bit about the Lower Courts, it says that empirical proof must be had before they will issue a verdict either way - which would mean that if the prosecution and defence cannot make an unquestionable case, then the case would go on for all eternity.


Other than those few points (and for some I think, part of them), I think that the article as a whole could probably do with a full going over to improve the flow of the sentences and paragraphs to make it read better - doing that would probably also make it sound less contradictory in the parts I've mentioned above for the most part. Other than that though, it has a lot of detail in there and is a really good start to work from.


For the Dalcium article:
The first sentence contradicts itself; "Dalcium is a mineral found on Gemini Beta in abundance and a rare mineral found on Gemini Beta." I'm not sure which one you meant to put 'Alpha' for, but I assume that it was just a simple mistake :)

I'm not sure about the bit about the drilling and it being in liquid form here? Could you describe that a bit better maybe?

Also, perhaps we could change the 'Vulcanoid' reference to 'life forms with copper-based blood'? Just makes it a bit more generic, considering their limited knowledge of galactic civilisations - and it's always plausible that on one of their worlds there were animals which had green blood like Romulans and Vulcans.

Other than that, and a bit of minor tweaking of the sentences to make it flow a bit better, it looks good :) It could be worth explaining though why it only affects those with copper-based blood, and not iron-based? The current description doesn't seem to have any reason in it why it would only affect one type of life form but not others.

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Re: TF44 Story Arc Pages

Post by Confusedfire » Mon Feb 11, 2013 10:54 pm

Lol that should read "and a rare mineral found on Gemini Alpha" thanks. I'll fix the others as well.
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Re: TF44 Story Arc Pages

Post by FruitLoop » Thu Feb 14, 2013 5:16 am

Dalcium article: It should only affect life-forms with copper-based blood and leave those with cobalt-based blood (like Benzites and the Geminites themselves), iron-based blood, and Klingons and Cardassians alone too. Though how to explain that, I don't know. Perhaps it is poisonous to them because it interacts with the copper in their blood? Different symptoms?

GS article: I'll get with you tomorrow, CF about it and see what we can do.

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Re: TF44 Story Arc Pages

Post by FruitLoop » Wed Feb 20, 2013 2:34 am

Is anyone good with chemicals or a doctor? We have no idea how to do it. If a doctor or a chemist can tell us how to do it, then it would be okay. Otherwise, I'd say leave it vague. Star Trek was vague for a reason, so nobody could dissect it.

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Re: TF44 Story Arc Pages

Post by Williams » Thu Mar 21, 2013 12:56 pm

Honestly I wouldn't say that Star Trek was vague :P There's a hell of a lot of technical detail in Trek, even if it's all made up on the spot. It's one of the things I like about it :)

My point before though wasn't necessarily about putting some massive detail into how it affects those with copper-based blood, but just having something in there that explained why it didn't affect others; when I read it through before, it didn't really give any sort of explanation as to why it won't affect humans or bolians, etc, which for anyone simming with the storyline, I think would be an important point should they ever come into contact with it.

(Sorry for the late reply on this one; work kept me pretty much away from the internet for a while)

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Re: TF44 Story Arc Pages

Post by FruitLoop » Thu Mar 21, 2013 9:51 pm

Ah, okay, so we can just say it interacts with the copper in the blood and be done. I don't want to go into too much detail only to find out that it won't work. :P

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Re: TF44 Story Arc Pages

Post by FruitLoop » Tue Mar 26, 2013 2:13 pm

Still waiting on those changes to the Geminite article

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